Of Cameras and Qualitative Research
by meaninglessmonotony
Summary: Joker is  not  minding his own business, as usual, until Legion confronts him with an awkward question. EDI's manipulations lead to further awkwardness. Femshep, EDI, Joker, Legion


Qualitative Research

"We have a query."

"Oh shit!" Joker yelped, jumping about a foot in his leather chair. His heart hammered spasmodically, and he frantically minimized the holo-window he'd been watching. A creeping blush stung his bearded cheeks as he swiveled to face the geth.

Legion—how the hell did a _geth_ manage to sneak up on him? The thing was made outta metal for Chrissakes!—cocked its head in that curious birdlike manner it had.

"What, ah, what do you want, Legion?" he asked, hoping to get rid of the odd creature as soon as possible.

"We have a query," repeated the geth, the blue-white light in its head flaring.

"Yeah, I got that bit," said Joker cautiously, "What's your question?" The geth never left its dark red hidey-hole, and it certainly never talked to him.

"We wish to know more of human customs and behavior. EDI has been most helpful to this platform—allowing us to access security cameras and data files—but our perspective is somewhat limited."

"Wait, EDI did what?" Joker scowled at the small blue hologram, "What the hell-?"

"Legion is attempting to understand other sentient beings. The information he gathers will be instrumental in building relations between—"

"Okay, fine!" he snapped, rolling his eyes.

"I found Legion's request to be more constructive than yours, Jeff," her voice was suspiciously smug, "If you wish the Commander to be alerted of either—"

"No, that's okay," he said hurriedly, feeling his ears burning. He checked to make sure that the incriminating holowindow was still minimized. Legion waited patiently, his inorganic form eerily still.

"Sorry, Legion, what did you want from me?" Joker sighed finally.

"We desire the input and perspective of an experienced human on the subject of," the geth hesitated and ducked its head in a distinctly embarrassed gesture, "flirtation."

Joker was unsure whether to laugh or cry. His incredulous expression seemed to unnerve Legion.

"We have observed your interactions with Shepard-Commander and believe your behavior to correspond with the custom of flirtation. This platform has researched the subject and has concluded that what the organics refer to as 'flirting' is a method of communication, traditionally, although not exclusively, between members of opposing genders in order to precipitate a more physically intimate relationship."

Joker hid his face in his hands. "Oh God."

"If you would prefer it, we could pose our queries to the Shepard-Commander."

"No, I, um…I can help you," Joker lifted his cap and ran a hand over his short dark hair; the mental image of Shepard's face when Legion posed his 'query' was hilarious, but he had a feeling he'd be less than amused if she confronted him later.

"We find this outcome favorable."

"Great. Whatever. Look," Jeff peered through the disconcerting hole in the N7 armor to check for any Cerberus crew within earshot. "Your, ah, definition was pretty much right, but…flirting is often just a way to communicate more comfortably—in a teasing manner, right? And, um…the physical bit isn't necessarily the main point. It could just be to build a closer emotional relationship which may lead to the…"

This was stupid. He shifted awkwardly. "Is that enough?"

The geth tilted its flashlight head. "Processing information. We are building a consensus."

"Fine, good," Joker grinned, relieved, "Maybe go build that consensus somewhere…not here, eh?"

Legion considered the pilot for a moment, then turned and walked out of the cockpit.

Joker's face was still burning and he rubbed his eyes wearily, "Damn, that was embarrassing…I'm just glad it wasn't Grunt come to ask where babies come from."

"I think you handled that well, Jeff. Much better than I had expected." The mirth in EDI's automated voice was undeniable—a week ago, the emotion would have been scary, now, it just pissed him off.

"Why the hell would he ask me?" Joker spun his chair around to face the little blue holo.

"Because I…led him to."

"Dammit, EDI!" Joker pulled the brim of his cap down angrily and turned back to the holodisplay, letting his fingers dance across the readouts, making minor adjustments to the ship's pitch and yaw. He glanced over his shoulder, assuring himself that the corridor was empty.

"Well I thought I was entitled to some entertainment."

"So go and mess with the readouts on Mordin's equipment or something—leave me alone." His finger hovered over the softly glowing orange "button" that would restore his holowindow to the maximum size.

"Considering the morally questionable task of piggybacking certain video-feed data-streams from Zaeed's hidden surveillance systems I performed on your request, I deemed it fitting that you should provide the entertainment."

"I shoulda known you'd blackmail me." He suddenly felt guilty, wondering if he should just tell EDI to cut the feed. 'Morally questionable' here could be construed as sexual harassment, and he didn't want any legal trouble, much less whatever heat he'd take if she ever found out.

EDI's cool voice cut into his internal debate. "The explanation you gave Legion is inconsistent with the image of yourself you appear to cultivate."

"Yeah? How so?" He asked skeptically, "What 'image' did you get just now?"

"Oh, that of a sensitive romantic." EDI's voice was amused again.

"Sensitive? I'm not sensitive!" Joker glared at the consoles and activated the holowindow.

The quality of the feed was a little grainy, but clear enough to make out the details of the women's shower area. The view field was high—Zaeed must've planted it in a corner of the room, right up by the ceiling. A woman stood in the center of the chamber, fully clothed, but obviously preparing for a shower. Tall, lean, and muscular in the sinewy manner of an assassin, with coppery hair that barely came down to her shoulders. His pulse quickened, heart beating alarmingly fast. She'd kill him. She'd kill him dead, bring him back, and kill him again.

He debated closing the window, terminating the feed. This was wrong, cheap, and he knew it. But it wasn't like he'd ever—like she'd—oh, hell. His finger hovered over the terminate button.

"Predicted reaction," declared EDI smugly, "The experience would have no meaningful value and you would—"

"Shut up, EDI," he growled, glaring at her over his shoulder, "You can't make me fit your little…" He turned back to the holoscreen and his words caught in his throat. Shepard eased off her shirt slowly; bright lines of amber scars crisscrossed her back, disappearing briefly beneath a modest black bra. He swallowed, felt himself blush again.

"I—I really shouldn't…" he shook his head and moved decisively to push the button, but a flash of movement stopped him. Onscreen, Shepard had suddenly whipped back her arm and thrown her wadded up shirt directly onto the camera lens. The black fabric flew up and blocked the view with startling speed.

"Whoa, what the hell?" Joker snapped his head back in surprise, an automatic grin spreading across his bearded face. He searched for the volume control. "EDI?"

"Enhancing audio output," her voice was passionless, but Moreau was sure he heard a note of curiosity.

Joker strained uselessly at the viewscreen.

There was a lazy scuff and a slight grunt of effort. The black shirt flew away, and Shepard's face, less than a foot away from the lens, filled the screen. She was smiling, but her eyes were hard and there was an ominous light in them which, even through the less-than-crystalline quality of the feed, sent a shiver of icily fearful anticipation up his crooked spine.

"Masani." Her voice was low and serious—deadly. "As you've probably guessed, I've found out about your little surveillance system. I am personally disabling each and every camera positioned in, shall we say 'private'?, areas. Starting," her hand covered the lens, "with this one."

The screen went black, this time for good, and Joker sat back, somewhat numbed. His smile widened out of genuine amusement. Zaeed was in for a hell of a lot of trouble.

"You humans are so…irregular," mused EDI, "Such widespread and severe inconsistency is not indicative of the species' survival for over two thousand years."

"Yeah, sometimes even I'm surprised." He grinned lazily and pulled the brim of his hat low over his eyes. "Wake me if we get company."


End file.
